Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
