I wish I could teleport
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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