well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
