Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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