i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Less talking, more tequila
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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