I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
