i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
