I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
