My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I showed him my bush... on skype.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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