my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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