A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
high people should be assigned attendants
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
