I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
