Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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