Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
