My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
