all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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