On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
