I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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