So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
