He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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