return my video game
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
