false alarm. still invincible.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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