I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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