We named our party play list daddy issues
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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