I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
