sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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