i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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