im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
