He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
