Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
