i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
