My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
