I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
