You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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