jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
