Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
