My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
