I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
