Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
