gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
