I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
