My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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