my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
