to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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