Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
