it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
