Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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