mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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