Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
