I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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