God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
